A Lizard’s Guide to Life

So, you know that survey y’all got like 2 months ago or somewhat?

Yeah, well this is what came of it.

I’m not sorry.


Q: How do I not get bored?

A: Tell dad jokes to yourself until you regret every life choice you’ve ever made and you cry yourself to sleep.


Q: How should I spend my free time?

A:  c o n s u m e   t h e   c h e e s e


Q: How do I go to sleep faster?

A: Apply brick directly to the forehead. Do not ingest. Improper use may cause itching, nausea, and bad vibes.


Q: What are taxes?

A: One of only 2 constants in this world.


Q: How do you stay energetic in the mornings?

A: Well, usually, I chug half a liter of room-temperature Gatorade, then I go do whatever I want to do with the intention of living to spite this buggered planet. Works 60% of the time, all the time.


Q: What is 2 + 2?

A: No.


Q: I have to watch my baby sister in the morning while my mom gets ready, so i’m always very close to being late for school. What should I do?

A: Consider: do both at the same time, muted and with your video off. That way there won’t be video evidence.


Q: I want to pet my fish, but he keeps swimming away from my hand when I put it in the water. What should I do?

A: Respect his boundaries and understand that he doesn’t want contact. Animals and humans have personal boundaries and you should be aware of them and understand that maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t want to be petted.


Q: Hey, i’m supposed to be the funny one in this school! (as said by goblin)


Q: How do you stop a bunch of evil parakeets from murdering U.S. Government members?

A: Consider: Inordinate amounts of energy drinks to increase their dodge stat to 7000


Q: How do I get over my fear of cheese?

A:  Why should you?


Q: How do I get rid of my dog without anyone knowing?

A: Have you read Old Yeller?


Q: How do I get my seeds to grow faster when I plant them in the spring?

A: Piss on them. That’s actual advice, by the way. Especially good for citrus-based stuff.


Q: How should I entertain myself?

A: Oh, you know, binge-watch YouTube videos for 8 hours straight until you regret every single life choice you’ve made up until this point. Again.


Q: How do you become friends with the universe?

A: Reject modernity.  e m b r a c e m o n k e.


Q: How do I draw?

A: You’re gonna have to ask Satan about that one.  


Q: There’s a girl I like, but I think she’s straight. What do?

A: A shot you don’t take is a shot that’ll never hit. You shoot, and if you miss, then move on. If they ain’t interested, then stop wasting your remaining 71 years, 32 weeks, and 12 days on them, man. Life is life, you just gotta roll with the punches, and if they knock you down, you’ll get back up and punch them right back.

Reject modernity. e m b r a c e m o n k e.