Hey there Bulldogs, it’s me.
You might be wondering what this article is about, but I’m not. I’m just going to make this a BAD advice column! Comment a question and I will answer it in the funkiest and most likely wrongest way. Enjoy.

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1rKdZVIRKPsH_Kd9JD9645nX52D_bvriH8rQNAJS2wnc/edit#responses

Q: “Help there’s a bug” from anonymous

A: I’d recommend inviting the bug inside if they’re not already there and offering them a glass of tea. Ask about their day, chances are they are just here to have a nice talk.

Q: “Help, there’s another bug.” from anonymous

A: That bug is here to take revenge for its fallen brethren, I’d recommend locking your doors and shutting the blinds. No one can save you anymore.

Q:” Does pineapple belong on pizza?”

A: Why are you asking me this? Ever considered that I have questions, bet you didn’t.

Q: “UUUHHH. What’s ur favorite thing to do when ur alone?” from Jack

A: Idk, draw, read, plan for the coming end that will take us all, watch YouTube.

Q: “If I don’t want to hurt my friends’ feelings, but they are really annoying and I don’t want to interact with them anymore, how can I, without making them sad, get them to be less interactive with me?”

A: I’m sorry that’s happening, I’d recommend just tearing the band-aid off and just talking to them about what’s bothering you, if that doesn’t work you could always go with the OTHER option.

Q: “um basically i dont wanna be friends with this girl because shes trying to steal my mans so yeah but she also keeps coming up to me acting all buddy buddy, but i dont want to talk to her so idk what to do.”

A: You don’t need anyone, leave your man, leave your friend, go run into the woods and become a witch.

Q: “I think the bug came back?”

A: That was me, sorry if I scared you.

Q: “I got a big crush on this girl that you 100% know and I literally don’t know what to do cuz she’s so pretty and I get rlly nervous everytime I see her”

 A:  I’d say just tell them, they’re really cool so even if they don’t share your feelings I bet you could still stay friends. I’d recommend asking to hold hands and declare your love under an umbrella as it rains, if you give me 10 dollars i’ll sing romantic songs while you do it.

Q: “I made a silly goofy advice column but it’s going VERY WRONG, what do I do??!?!!!!??????!??!?!?!?!?!??!?!??!??!??!?”

A: I’m so sorry, you should keep trying and power on you little steam boat.

Q: “the bug may or may not have just consumed my right arm”

A: You’ll just have to grow another one I guess.

Q: “I don’t know if my friend is toxic. She jokes a lot. I’m sensitive so I don’t really like her saying that, but if I tell her that, then she might take it as a joke. Also, it’s not just sensitivity. It’s mostly not sensitivity, its about how she says the jokes. The tone is implying almost as if she sorta hates me and is being rude…?? She also makes jokes like this to my 2 friends Lila and Rayan, basically everyone around her??. 😐 pls help (p.s. she can be nice too sometimes)” from Julia K. (Fairmount Heights Middle School)

A: I think you need to just talk to your friend, in order to make her think you aren’t joking around. I’d recommend speaking with a straight face and by telling her it is not a joke. Also, how did you find me? I looked up your school and it is in New York??? Please contact

Q: “what do i do if my bff is secretly dating my ex-boyfriend but she thinks it’s still a secret? I kinda like her ex boyfriend though-should I go for him?”

A: Leave her.

Q: “I’m in a relationship with someone and sometimes I feel like they don’t love me back, it’s probably just paranoia but what should I do”

A: Tell them how you feel, relationships are supposed to be open minded. It’s also okay to take breaks from relationships, if all else fails you could always hide under their bed and whisper good things about you while they sleep, it’ll either make them love you a lot or fear you more than anything else, 50/50.

Q: “what do i do when it feels like I’m getting weaker every day? What if I’m too exhausted to do any of my assignments? what if i don’t pass my classes?”

A: I’m very sorry that’s happening, it is okay to take breaks from time to time. Things may seem like a lot right now but if you look back in a couple of years you’ll be like “why was I so stressed about middle school homework?”. Your middle school grades won’t affect you so you should try your best not to worry about them. That or you could sell your organs, flee the country and go live the rest of your days as a hermit. P.S, what you’re describing are common depression symptoms, I’m NOT a specialist but if you ever need anything don’t be shy to email me.

Q: “how do you life?”

A: I’ve found that breathing helps!

Q: ”Okay so I have a crush on this boy but I don’t know if he likes me back because he’s giving me a lot of mixed signals, how do I communicate my feelings without ruining our friendship.”

A: Tell him. Worst comes to worst he says ‘no’. If he says ‘no’ then you need to respect his wishes. You could also dig a pit so deep that you go to the past and end his bloodline.

Q: “if i ran for president would you vote for me”

A: No.

Q: ”pick one the bee movie or shrek”

A: Shrek all around, the character development, the drama, the action. It’s simply the superior movie.

Q: “How do I take over America?”

A: Make your way into the government and slowly gain their trust, eventually become president and secretly organize a rebellion against yourself, fire a bunch of people from the white house and make your vice president someone from the resistance. Have the rebels kill you during a big public outing while thousands of onlookers watch. While the world is in panic your vice president will slowly but surely get everyone in the white house to be a person in the rebellion. You might not be there to see it but the fruits of your labor will not be in vain. As America falls into your vise’s hands nobody will notice until it is far too late.

Q: “O great Liz, I haveth an inquiry. Not one, but TWO, friends haveth bestowed confessions of love upon me, and I knoweth not whose confession I should accept. I am also polyamorous, and feel the same way about both, so shouldeth I accept both confessions? Should I reject both? Whatever shall I do? O great Liz, please bestow your great knowledge upon I.”

A: Talk to the both of them together, it wouldn’t be fair to start a romantic relationship with the both of them and not have them know about each other.

Q: “i feel like i’m gonna fall asleep every minute, which makes me feel too exhausted to finish assignments. I’m supposed to be a grade A student, which makes me terrified for high school. I know I’m probably gonna flunk some of my classes, which is something that shouldn’t happen to me. I’ve always been an A student. it’s a part of my life at this point. Knowing that one day that I’ll be failing terrifies me, since I should be doing everything effortlessly. it feels like it’s the only way I can. What do I do at this point? What if I fail? what if my friends talk behind my back about it?”

A: I’d recommend a long night of sleep, you’d be surprised how energized it makes you feel. For your assignment, it’s middle school, it doesn’t matter that much. It’s okay to take breaks, and it’s okay to not have all A’s.

Q: “someone keeps calling me a bunch of inappropriate names, and when I ask them to stop they won’t stop, what do I do”
A: Tell a trusted adult about the situation, any adult in the school you can think of, you don’t even need to know them well.

Q: “Finlay stole my ankles”
A: ha, loser

Q”how do i achieve world domination????”
A: Look at my post that’s up a bit on how to take over America, first do that and then repeat it everywhere else.

Q:”what’s one plus one”
A: 23 give or take

Q:”turtle”
A: You make a very impressive argument there.

Q:”how do you feel about me hacking into the school internet?”
A: Do it you coward

Q:“teenage mutant ninja turtles”
A: Michelangelo is my favorite character, I love all renditions and designs of him. He’s so funky and he could commit horrendous crimes and I would not be mad whatsoever.

Q:“’There’s a swarm of bugs”
A: What kind? My favorite kind are moths, I love all moths. I honestly think that they’re prettier than butterflies. There’s this really cool book called “Me(Moth)” about a girl and it’s written in poetry. It has a really awesome plot and the characters are so cool and they’re written really well.

Q:“top ramen or cup o’ noodles”
A: my lawyer advised me not to answer this question.

Q: “should I attack the Hogwarts academy with my tanks?” from russian hacker
A: Absolutely.

Q: ”what’s your favorite laufey song”
A: I just had to look them up, but I like the song, “From the Start” & “Valentine” because it turns out I did know them but didn’t know the artist.

Q: “Finlay stole my wig”
A: Finlay needed it more.

Q: “what is happening to society”
A: Nothing good, It’ll be completely gone by the time I’m done with it.

Q: “should I attack Mexico?” from russian hacker
A: No, I have some friends who have family living there and I don’t want them to get hurt.

Q: “Do you know the girl that has a crush on your friend?”
A: Yes.

Q: “What is your opinion about”
A: Finish your sentence you coward.

Q: “What is your moms name”
A: Jennifer, why do you need this information?

Q: “opinion on gingers”
A: I HATE THEM.

Q: “how are you today”
A: I’m good, my dad said that tonight we can go frog hunting together in the woods behind our house.

Q: “opinion on ed sheeran”

A: I’m NOT in love with the shape of him.

Q: “opinion on lizzo”
A: I don’t even know who that is.

Q: “I’ve never been good at making friends but for the first time 2 years ago, I found someone who clicked with me. Everything was going great until she met this other girl this year. This other girl is super nice and funny and pretty. Suddenly this other girl is starting to slowly ‘steal’ my bsf. I’m not trying to be mean, but she would randomly call my bsf, her bsf!!! In front of me!! Now they’re hanging out more often, and I’m afraid I might lose my bsf to the other girl. How do I win her back??”

A: I’m sorry that’s happening, if I were to guess I’d say that the other girl isn’t trying to steal your best friend. You could try and talk to your friend and tell them how you feel, I’m sure that if you tell them how you’re feeling the two of you could come to a compromise.

Q: “Are you Ed Sheeran’s daughter?”

A: No, I am not Ed Sheeran’s daughter, or cousin, or anyway related to him. Ed Sheeran is from the planet F1B77 while I’m from the planet R3D570, if you know your systems you would know that these are in different solar systems.

Q: “the bugs stole my legs”

A: Go get them back, why are you telling me this, you should be looking for your legs.

Q: “live laugh love laufey”

A: Okay 🙂

Q: “is red ur natural hair color?”
A: Yes.

Q: “what should I assume if you don’t answer a question I ask you”
A: I’m probably dead.

Q:“https://courses.cs.washington.edu/courses/cse163/20wi/files/lectures/L04/bee-movie.txt”
A: Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.

Q: “how’s it like being a ginger”
A: I don’t know

Q: “what do I do if a Benyamin stole my water bottle?”
A: Eat his arms.

Q: “What do I do if I have the water bottle that Benyamin stole but the person who owns the water bottle is absent?”

A: Find them, You could also give it to me and I can return it to them.

Q: “How many students are there? If you made the school a housing program how many of those students could you actually fit?”

A: I do not understand this question, there’s only me making this advice column because I’m Liz but Finlay sometimes writes answers and stops me from doing stupid stuff.

Edit: Finlay is looking into this question, she will get back to it soon.

Q: “Eggscalibur still lives in our hearts”

A: Truer words have never been said.

Q: “I know you already answered things like this but I’m polyamorous and I like this girl and also this guy – I already told the girl my feelings and now we’re dating, but not the guy – I’m also having problems believing that my girlfriend before the girl and the guy even loves me anymore, it feels like she’s just using me.What do I do now? (The girls know about each other but I haven’t had the guts to fuss up about the guy to anyone but my pillows and notes app) Thanks ^^  –RH”

A: JUST TELL THEM GOSH DARNIT, I’VE BEEN WATCHING YOUR ROM COM FROM THIS LITTLE ADVICE COLUMN AND I NEED. TO. KNOW.

Q: “You like pickles?”
A: Yes?

Q: “I have two pickles”
A: Congratulations, I’m so proud of you.

Q: “I’ll trade you a pickle for a nickel”
A: I live in your walls.

Q: “My mom likes pickles”
A: She’s lying to you.

Q: “I have a collection of pickle jars”
A: I have a collection of human organs.

Q: “China or Korea?”
A: Yes

Q: “is it possible to pick the lock to the girls locker room? (i’m a girl btw trust me)”
A: Only god knows.

Q: “I have a wig”
A: I feel like I’m getting more statements than questions.

Q: “You’re invited to the labyrinth. -RH”
A: I’ll be there.

Q: “How can I talk my parents into getting me a dog after five years of turned-down requests?”
A: Steal a cat.

Q: “Update : There’s now 3 girls and the first doesn’t know about the 3rd girl or the guy and the second is catching on…. Also good luck trying to get out of the labyrinth!! -RH
P.S – We need more members so invite whoever once you get the labyrinth link!”
A: “Good luck o7”

Q: “My snail, Franny, ran away (very slowly). How do I find her?”
A: Track her down, bring out the hounds.

Q: “Hihi ^^ I just have a question about how I listen to my music. So, I’m really scared that someone will overhear my music while I play it on my AirPods, but if I turn it down quiet enough so no one else can hear it, it’s so quiet that I can barely hear the words myself. So should I:
a) Play the music as loud as I want and risk someone overhearing it (I’m self-conscious about my music taste)
b) Keep listening to it quietly
Thanks!! :D”
A: Listen to it loud, listen to it proud.

Q: “Do you recommend any songs for someone who loves listening to TV show/movie/musical soundtracks?”
A: I don’t really listen to music from movies a whole bunch but I do really like the song ‘The World Will Know’ from The Newsies so if you want to listen to that.

Q: “On a scale of one to ten, how handsome is this man? (1 = ugly, 10 = pinnacle of masculine beauty)”
A: (I can’t put links in the article) 1000000/10, he is what everybody in the entire world should be striving for, 8 legs? Beautiful, delicious, splendiferous.

Q: “We need immediate help. I wanna end the relationships with the 2 girls bc one is kinda one sided and the other is just getting awkward. How do i??? –RH”
A: Just tell them, if you’re unhappy with your relationship you need to be clear about it and just let them know :)”

Q: “What planet are we on?”
A: I’m on earth, I don’t know about you.

Q: “How to pronounce abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz?”
A: You pronounce it like ab-ce-d’-eff-ghh-eeek-llmm-nop-rrst-uvv-wyxzz

Q: “What videogames do you play”
A: Imma be honest, I only really play The Cat Game, its surprisingly funner than it sounds…

Q: “what’s the answer to life the universe and everything (there is a correct answer)”
A: We all came onto this earth with the soul intent to someday die. In the in between time it is up to us to decide that answer for ourselves. Except Tardigrades, they’ve been here since the start and they will be here till the very end.

Q: “Don’t eat Swampy”
A: I wasn’t planning on that.

Q: “BTS OR STRAY KIDZ”
A: I don’t listen to either of them.

Q: “Cece ripped off my wig” from SASHA
A: That really sucks for you, is this a question? I don’t think so.

Q: “what’s your fourth favorite color?”
A: I just like orange, I was trying to think about this question and I genuinely couldn’t think of anything else, maybe blue or green???

Q: “Why am I short?”
A: genetics probably, idk.

Q: “marshmallow where”
A: Space.

Q: “newjeans or le sserafim <3 ?”
A: I’m so sorry but I don’t know who they are, I had to look them up to see if they were appropriate.

Q: “Hit a kid or a grandpa?”
A: It was my grandpa’s birthday yesterday (on the 21st) and kids can bounce back quickly.

Q: “The guy did something really gross so now idk if I actually like him anymore. Also uh I reconnected w/ one of them girlys
WHAT AM I DOING WROOOOOOONG?!?!!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? –RH”
A: You’re doing nothing wrong girly pop, leave them all, we can run away together.

Q: “Why do I feel so sad????
My mom doesn’t believe me when I tell her I need help.”
A: I’m sorry that you feel sad, there are the school counselors you can talk to about how you feel, they’re not legally allowed to tell anyone anything unless you’re being hurt, going to hurt yourself, or hurt others.

Q: “Would you punch Finlay or Cece?”
A: No hatred to Cece but Finlay’s one of my best chums.

Q: “I’m having a lot of relationship trouble it’s too much to even rly explain, what should i do”
A: Give me the deets my dude, I can’t help unless I know.

Q: “I hope you’re havin a good day
love u buddy /p”
A: Aw shucks, you really know how to make a gal blush.

Q: “pick a cereal any cereal (except cheerios)”
A: cheerios WITH STRAWBERRIES

Q: “wowowow how many questions have you answered so far bc it looks like a lotttt”
A: This is actually my 89th question. When I hit 100 I’m planning on taking a quick hiatus to make a cool little 100th special 🙂

Q: “how do i get over art block :(“
A: I’d recommend just drawing silly stuff, you don’t have to make an absolute masterpiece!

Q: “okok so i’m failing my geometry class and i’m trying my best to raise my grade but my parents keep telling me that im “not putting in enough effort” and “doing everything all wrong” like the fact that i’m failing is already stressful enough and now my parents are putting so much pressure on me and they’re threatening to take away my phone and stuff if i don’t “do better” what do I do”
A: I’m sorry about this, I’d recommend just keep on doing your best. I know that’s the most cliche answer but it’s really all you can do in this situation. If your parents don’t realize then shame on them, there’s also math club that you could attend or ask your teacher for help!