Breaking News on the Tardy Sweeps!

Real article, all of this is 100% true, not fake at all.


Madilynn Preuss drew this.

Recently, students have been late to their classes. In response to this, the school has decided to resort to more intense options to prevent this. In place of using tardy sweeps, the school will now have bulldozers roaming the halls at random intervals in between passing periods. Any students caught between classes will be discontinued, which will result in a not so pleasant day. Some students have attempted to hold strikes, calling the new strategy to prevent tardiness “A little bit extreme.” People have tried standing in the hallways with a sign stating: No more flattened students!” Local student Zoe Macdonald was the first to be flattened by the roaming bulldozers, her last words were “Remember the swag and don’t drop the bag.” There is now a memorial outside the school stating “In memory of Zoe, who was flattened by a bulldozer. We will never forget her swag.” 


The death toll to the new security measure has now reached 14 , and some parents are mildly aggravated now. When asked about the legality of the measures, the School Board responded with “We told them not to be late.” A student interviewed over text responded with “Hey, at least we’re all on time now.” A driver of one of the bulldozers, Retlaw Black, has said the following statement when asked about the job: “Yah, I guess it’s not exactly the most morally strong thing to do, but they’re paying us in Taco Bell coupons and it doesn’t get a lot better than that, does  it eh’ mate?.” The only student who agreed with the controversial strategy is Soren Ramerman, who appreciated the schools strive to end tardiness. He was the 14th person to be bulldozed.


Is this method a good idea? That’s the question at Brier Terrace Middle School, while most staff agree it’s effective, kids and parents argue that the loss of life is not worth the lessened amount of tardies.


(Thanks to Madilynn Preuss for the amazing perfect amazing best-est excellent drawing)