Breaking News: Local Student Finds Goldfish in Chocolate Milk!

Breaking News: Local Student Finds Goldfish in Chocolate Milk!

David Cardwell (He/Him), Writer

David here once again with some new breaking news! A student of Brier Terrace Middle, Jack Lytle, was eating his lunch, as was the normal routine, when he found something astonishing swimming in his chocolate milk. It was a goldfish. A pretty big one too. It was still breathing, swimming around, and trying to jump out. “It is in fact a miracle this did not make me suffocate!” said the student. Jack’s family is considering suing the school for the incident. Other students have also reported Taco Bell coupons, Hot Wheels, human kidneys, and other assorted fun things in the schools provided food. 


In 2015-2019, students tried to raise awareness to improve the condition of the district’s food at schools such as Terrace Park Elementary, but they eventually gave up as nothing was changing. This was in result to things such as rubber tires, chunks of squid, and metal shrapnel having been found in the chicken nuggets, burgers, etc. Some people working with the food in several schools, including Terrace Park were receiving hate from students, but this was uncalled for as they did not make the food, they just handed it out.


Back to what happened in Brier, I interviewed several people to find out what some good solutions would be. One student, Yoel, shared the following suggestion: “I think that if we filled the chocolate milk with acid, it could solve the goldfish problem, and cause only minor damage to the digestive system. Another student, who would rather stay anonymous for reasons that will be made obvious, shared their idea: “I believe that the extermination of all wildlife would prevent this from happening in the future. And also Mr. Morrison has been hypnotizing us for years-” The student’s interview was then cut off.. 


While these were great ideas, a better one may be to eliminate eating in general. This would save the wildlife, and the digestive tracts of our students at BTMS.